Words - Abigail Schmitt

How many times do we think about apologizing for what we have said to another person?

For some, maybe we think about it often. Our words hang over our heads and we wish that we had never opened our mouths to say what we did. Our only thought is to go apologize to that person. But for many of us, I suspect we do not even think about it. We say what we say to a person and then we move on to the next, ready to share our opinions, our thoughts, our ever-so-important words. Careless words fill our speech. They find their way out of our throat through the crevices around our tongue without us even noticing. Words said without care. Words not even thought about. Words that have meaning.

Everything we say has meaning, and yet we so often fail to treat it that way. Would we ever care to stop and measure the effect of our words on someone else? Would we ever care to find out the meaning our words had to someone other than ourselves? The very foundation of the world was brought about by the voice of God. From the beginning, he established speech as a core part of our being. And though we are but imitators of him—none of us quite have the ability to bring a universe into existence with our words—every sentence we say brings something into existence. Give someone a compliment and we bring into existence their happiness; make them the butt of a thoughtless joke and we bring into existence their pain. Our words have meaning. God made us that way. 

But do we care?

Sometimes you see it in their eyes first. You make a quick joke about them, and everyone at the table laughs. They lower their gaze to the ground, give a short laugh, and fail to meet your eyes for just a second too long. You are no longer comfortable. But you did not say anything wrong, did you? Why should you have to be the one to apologize?

Sometimes you see it in their actions. Maybe it is not immediate. You said something about the food they made yesterday, and now all their words to you today have been short and clipped. What is this about? How could they still be holding on to that comment? It does not mean anything; they should have just forgotten it. Why should you have to be the one to apologize?

Sometimes you are unaware of it until the very moment they bring it to you in a blaze of fiery words. You are taken aback. This came out of nowhere. How could they say that this is the last straw? That this is the last in a repeated series of offenses you have made against them with your words? You did not know about this. So why should you have to be the one to apologize?

But when you try to meet their eyes and they will not look back at you, suddenly you care. When you try to ask how their day was and all they say is, “Fine,” suddenly you care. When you look into their face red with anger, tears streaming down their face, silence in the air after all the hot, accusing words they threw at you, suddenly you care.

How could you have been so blind?

And what do you do now?

What do you do when you finally care about your careless words?

It is not easy to take the first step, but that is what God calls us to do. In our Peacemaker book now, we are reading about restoring relationships that have been damaged by conflict, and we are called to take the initiative in reconciliation. It will not be comfortable for us, and it requires a grand portion of humility that only God can give us, but if we know that someone is holding something against us, it is our responsibility to go confess to them our wrongs and ask for forgiveness.

And when we seek to restore a relationship, we must remember to, above all, restore gently. If we have been careless with our words, now is the time to be careful. Not only in how and what we say, but in when we say it. Before we share any of our all-too-important thoughts, we must first listen. Understand the effect our words have had on them. Listen to their hurt, ask about their hurt, and care about their hurt. You have not damaged your relationship with an unfeeling being; you have damaged your relationship with a human, and you must now make every effort to understand that damage in order to resolve it. Once you have truly listened, waited patiently, attended to the words they told you, and understood them thoroughly, then it is your time to speak.

Let your first words be filled with grace. In the spirit of love speak to them, seeking for peace between you. Admit your wrong, as humiliating as it might be, specifically addressing how your words hurt the other person. Our words have meaning, and we can choose how to use them. Where once we tore down, we can choose to build back up. Where once we brought pain, we can now bring joy. Where once we did not care, we can now put care into every word we speak.

“‘For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.’”

Matthew 12:34b–37